my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
