What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
