OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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