Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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