I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
