I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
