I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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