If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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