Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
