Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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