A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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