I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
