I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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