i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize