a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
