My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
