Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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