my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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