I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
