he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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