I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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