Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
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i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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