can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
