Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You don't make any sense
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