new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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