Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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