I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
