Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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