so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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