someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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