I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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