I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
