I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
