She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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