She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
being pregnant is like rehab
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
