her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
