I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
