mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
