If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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