she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
