You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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