I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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