I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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