when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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