My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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