people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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