you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
