at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
