I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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