meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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