Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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