tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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