Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Semen is not good for contacts.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
