oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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