Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
