I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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