so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
