I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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