We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
