I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
